AU
by Sayuri Ginger
Summary: One decision can change the course of one's life in unimaginable ways. But when something is meant to be, the universe has a way of working things out. A re-imagining of Harry and Ginny's relationship.


Title: AU

Summary: Slight AU, as in Harry does not kiss Ginny in HBP. How can that one split second decision change their lives, affect their relationship, and still end up together on that platform 19 years after the war?

Rated: R, potty mouths and adult themes (no lemon, just vaguely suggestive references, and drunken antics)

Disclaimer: Don't own. Will return to JKR in relatively similar condition to when barrowed.

A/N: this chapter could be considered a prologue, basically Harry's inner thoughts before the main action of the story starts (about six months before).

Chapter One: The Monster and The Pearl

It was still there.

Simmering under the surface of his conscious mind.

Always there.

After four years, still there. And Harry was pretty sure it always would be. Like a grain of sand in the back of his mind, an irritant covered over and over again.

_I love her._

An irritant covered over and over again with layer upon layer of two truths embedding a pearl of knowledge into his psyche.

One: he was in love with Ginny Weasley.

Two: she doesn't love him.

Oh sure, she cares about him, loves him like she loves all her friends. Maybe, he flatters himself, even a little more than the rest. Because he, in his affection starved life, needs it just a little more.

The realization of these facts didn't just hit him one day like a bludger out of the sky *cough, like Ron with Hermione, cough*. No, things with her had a way of creeping up on him like a slow moving fog. One you don't really notice rolling in until you can no longer see what's ahead. Example; out of his five closest friends Harry remembers specifically choosing four of them at different points.

Ron over Malfoy

Hermione after being horrible to her in their first year.

Neville after he stood up to the famous Gryffindor Trio.

Luna because no one else would, and Harry knew first hand just what that was like.

But _her. _Nope. Everything with her happened without his input. She snuck in without his foreknowledge. His main problem was paying attention, or not to be more accurate. He didn't notice she needed rescuing until it was almost too late, her soul almost beyond his reach. Didn't notice her avoidance of him until she'd popped back up; fun, engaging, loving, and lovely (too bad for him he wasn't the only boy to see that). He didn't even see how much her friendship meant until he was fifteen and she snapped at him, basically calling him an arse to his face and he still wanted her around. Suddenly her opinion of him mattered. Mattered more than he cared to admit then, and now. He didn't know how much he needed her, how much he'd come to depend on her… then she stepped up and fought at his side against the Death Eater who'd tried to break her.

Then Amortentia happened. Smacking him in the face with the obviousness of it all. Then Dean happened. And a monster was born. A monster that would rage against everything from ridiculously attractive (in the girls' opinions) roommates, to Quidditch practices spent more watching her than the snitch; from a strip of creamy looking bared mid-drift to Voldemort and the war. Now, after all that had passed, the monster still rages, snarls, throws itself against the pearl of knowledge in his mind. The stronghold built against it.

_I love her. _

_She doesn't love me._

He'd come close to letting that monster have its way. Twice.

Once when she ran at him, blazing look on her face, replete in her victory over the reviled "drama queen" (her words) Cho and threw herself into his waiting arms. It would have been so easy to stop thinking and just kiss her then. So romantic. Lavender and Parvati would've probably swooned, Hermione would have beamed, Ron and Dean would want to punch him. God knows what Ginny herself would have done. But he couldn't, rather wouldn't bring himself to care. It was that thought that had stopped him cold. He had to stop himself. She'd already been used by Voldemort once, he wasn't about to paint an even larger target on her back.

The second, a few months later. His birthday. She'd said she couldn't think what to get him, so she'd made a treacle tart just for him, even charmed it so no one else could steal a bite. She looked so proud of herself, that blazing look taking over her continence. His resolve faltered against the sheer force behind the dab of chocolate near the dimple in her left cheek just begging to be kissed away. But he was leaving… leaving and maybe never coming back. Do it, the monster raged. Don't do it, the pearl gently whispered.

_I love her. _

_She doesn't love me. _

Gone almost a year. Back to a world torn to hell, just starting to recover. And there she was, tortured but spirit intact, heartbroken at the loss of her brother but fighting. Innocence in tatters but alive. Beautiful. And with someone. In secret, but real.

It had started, she'd told him in the strictest of confidence, with a dance. Simple as that. Lee Jordan was there at Bill's wedding seeing what Harry saw, Ginny happy, Ginny beautiful (even in the hated gold dress, and no it wasn't too low cut in his humble opinion), Ginny free. Victor Krum Harry successfully fended off. But the brothers' best friend, who saw that coming! The irony that it had been the twins' best friend, not Ron's to snap her up was not lost on Harry. Didn't amuse him but was not lost. Ginny feared her family's (i.e. The Twins') reactions and Lee agreed under the circumstances it was best to keep things quiet. So no one knew during the war that they were seeing each other, secret dates in Hogsmead, before her privileges were revoked, and coded letters as to not make the Death Eater censors blush. After she was forced to leave school at Easter, the relationship became easier, and physical. Harry did not enjoy this part of his _friend's_ story. After Fred's death it seemed 'insensitive' in Lee's words to make their relationship public so they continued on as they had, telling only Harry, Hermione and eventually, under duress, Ron. Harry grudgingly saw that Lee was actually good for Ginny. He shared her grief but also helped her escape from it if only for short periods of time.

Harry, meanwhile, yanked the monster back by its chain, and covered the pearl over in another layer of truth.

_I love her. _

_She doesn't love me. _

_She's with someone else. _

So he moved on. Well, tried to at least.

Kylee was sweet, smart, fun, sexy as all get out. And best of all, in complete ignorance of who and what Harry really was. A muggle Harry met ironically enough through Dudley, Kylee was just what he needed. An attempt, a real attempt at dating someone who wasn't out for fame. Someone who could love him as him, not as the 'Boy Who Lived', or the 'Chosen One' or any of the other bullshit titles the wizarding press slapped on after his name. So he told her he was a cop (semantics), and there were things he just couldn't talk about (technically true). And she accepted that, for a time. There was just one problem. As an Auror, the Statue of Secrecy was even stricter. Harry was not permitted to tell any non-related member of the muggle population about being a wizard, and especially not his job, until marriage either to him or a wizarding family member. As he has no living wizarding family that part really didn't apply. He had to let her in, had to love her enough that he could tell her the truth. That just wasn't possible not with this huge secret between them. One he couldn't tell her without being close, marriage close. But he couldn't get that close to her, marry her, not without telling her the unedited truth. Talk about a catch 22.

When he broke it off a year on, Kylee tried her best to understand but even his explanation had to be vague. She had wanted to know if there was anyone else. How to answer that one? He had never been truly honest with her but in this at least he could open up.

Yes, there was the thought of someone else. _I love her._

No, there is no one else. _She doesn't love me._

Yes, it was always _her._

_She's with someone else…_

Then came Volcano Day*.

After an evening spent in the newly refurbished Leak Cauldron courtesy of Hannah Abbott (soon to be Longbottom), a sober Hermione, slightly tipsy Ginny, bombed Harry, and completely shitfaced Ron staggered back to Weasleys' Wizard Wheezes expecting to Apparate home, steal Ron's bed, crash on the couch, and drive the porcelain Knight Bus respectively. What they found instead quickly and completely changed all plans for the end of a pleasant evening.

Lee Jordan…

Lee Jordan in George and Ron's office…

Lee Jordan in George and Ron's office with Alicia Spinnet, George's soon to be ex, bent over Ron's desk.

NOT a stitch on either.

Eruption in 3…2…1

The monster in Harry's mind lifted its head in interest at the tirade flowing unimpeded from Ginny's rather foul mouth. Who knew where she learned half those words. Harry noted that she seemed angrier on her brother's behalf than her own. Her screaming attracted the attention of the erstwhile twin, leading to more unpleasantness for Lee and Katie. Needless to say, three relationships ended that night, two romantic and one friendly.

Once the lava settled and the ash cleared Harry made it to the couch, only one thought in his head. One layer had fallen away.

_I love her._

_She doesn't love me._

_She's not with someone else._

*Volcano day credit to Captain Jack Harkness, may he rest in peace… eventually.

A/N part 2: I had a terrible time coming up with a title for the story, chapter titles were much easier. If anyone has a better idea I am very open to suggestions. As always, reviews are welcome. Praise graciously accepted, constructive criticism will be taken under advisement. Flames with be blatantly ignored and openly mocked. Thank you for your time.


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